so I made Josh sick by giving him too many caffiene pills. he started burning up and feeling nauseous so we had him stay in the bathroom most of the night and drink water and such in case he puked. he did, and at first it looked like blood so we were worried. but whatever. he'll be fine, it's just fucking caffiene for chrissakes.

I felt bad though. everything came crashing down, like I always fuck everything up. so...I cut a bit. nothing big just cat scratches with a safetypin, its all I could find.

I'm not looking forward to seeing Caity tomorrow. I mean, if we smoke cigarettes together and get stoned offa Xanax I guess things will be nice, but for some reason I'm just feeling so empty still. I felt kind of good, staying by Josh and taking care of him all night, spilling all my secrets as we talked about self injury and shit. but was it that good of being listened to? I guess. and I guess I love him for that. he's one of the only ones who cares to hear me.

whatever. well. I guess tomorrow will come and I can't stop that.

I just wish I could find something to not make me feel so empty.

I'm sick of feeling fat and shit. gonna start fasting. Josh can buy me diet aids anyway. so thats good.

I want to like smoking more than I actually do, but I guess the initial high is really nice, nice enough, and the idea of smoking is great. I mean whatever.

thats enough.

no. one more thing. I want to know why I'm mad at Caity for pursuing Tim...