I feel a strange sweeping calmness as I write, overall. The reason why, is the strange part. It's because he's five feet away from me. Tim, I mean. And because I've got about 5 Xanax resting within an unlabeled prescription bottle in my bag, should things get bad.

I've always got to have a damned addiction. Always, always, always.

I need to start taking control. I'm doing so bad in my classes, in my personal life (blowing up at Laura like I did is something I shall hope to never, ever do again...I can't lose anyone else, certianly not her), everywhere. I have no idea of what I'll tell my probation officer tomorrow to explain why I haven't done any community service, why my grades are shit, why I've been skipping school, why there are benzos in my system and possibly other things.

I just don't know if excuses will cut it this time. I don't know much longer I can keep avoiding everything.

Feelings for Fiona keep creeping up on me. Missing Caity. Partially missing Jackie. Feelings for Andrew are beginning to fade,though I know they'll come back the moment I see him again. Feelings for Tim keep deepening and deepening and I just need to quit falling for people who are only going to leave, and who I'll never, ever have. Missing Hannah. Seemingly growing closer to Jessie. Missing Wayne, every so often.