last night i was drunker than i've ever been and it was the 2nd or 3rd time this week. i don't mind one bit, i need an addiction to keep me going.

but also, last night, i nearly made out with danny and it doesn't make sense. i enjoyed it, sure, and i think he did too, even though only a few hours prior we'd both been melancholy about the boys we like. neither of us talked about it this morning so i think we're pretending it didn't happen and it's not the first time we've been physically close like that, when something almost happened. i just don't get it. why we keep ending up like this. why sometimes he acts like he might love me.

because he's gay and was so sure of it. i don't want him to love me anymore. he's out of my pursuing. right now i like andrew and maybe fiona, maybe matt riley, maybe possibly simon, possibly jackie again. but not him. and i don't want to love him again. that was a painful few months.

i need to talk to someone about this. i need to talk to him about it. but i can't.

i need more of my wine and something harder. i need someone to kiss something to do to forget who i am, who i don't know. i explained all of this to him last night and more, now i think he knows me better than anyone else. right up there with caity, laura, tiffany, and maybe hannah, although i haven't told her tha tmuch stuff, we just know without speaking and communicate nonverbally because we're so alike.

i need andrew. i guess, as cliche as it sounds, liking him is my drug right now, and i need a fix. that and all the alcohol i can steal. and the adderall i need to start being nice to josh again for.

i wish laura didn't always have to act like she has a monopoly over lots of things, many of which we share interest in, it makes me really hate being around her.

i think i'll start talking to select friends more. people i can tell things to. like danny even though he might leave, jackie, tiffany, caity. etc.

oh and another thing. running while drunk at night was a lot of fun. i didn't feel the physical exhaustion. haha.

you know how ridiculous my insomnia is? after all of those fucking sedatives, i still didn't sleep very sound.

i like my drunk self better than my sober self. i'm more fun, i talk more, i express myself. i'm not as afraid of people.

maybe i should cool it with stealin gmy wine from walmart for awhile. i don't want to get caught and cut off from my poison.

i want to try absinthe this halloween while i'm la fee verte. that would be so amazing. just gotta find some.