i'm always planning out moments in the future when i might be happier.

my latest little daydream that feels real enough is set this winter. i'm prettier and happier with myself but everything's still not quite right. i'm with caity on a bus going somewhere, and i lay my head in her lap, close my eyes, and feel that sort of reflective sadness. where you're not necessarily sad but it feels all too much like a time you previously were, so you sort of talk yourself into feeling sadder than you may actually be. just because the air feels similar, you're going where you were going before, it's the same season, etc.

i like when the scenes of my life feel just right.

i'd like very much just to drink myself to sleep right now, maybe sleep for a few days at least. maybe then, i could wake up, and this could be gone. i'd be so tired of sleeping and i'd miss the world so much, flaws and all, that i just couldn't wait to get back in it.

just so you know. i have depression. but actually. i think i'm borderline. but i can't really trust that one, i don't know if i only saw those symptoms in myself because i wanted to, i wanted them to be true, because nothing else fits. i don't know, i'm always just afraid that i'm lying. i know that may not make much sense, but suddenly i want more rum, hm, how to fix this. i could theoretically jack some alcohol from walmart...but i'm VERY iffy. if i got caught, it'd be much worse than just plain shoplifting.

what a selfish little bitch i am. some of my friends i only keep around for drug connections, and some just because there's the possibility i could mean the world to them, and i need that to feel better about myself, to feel like i exist, because i put them on such pedstals you know?

i feel a little calmer and distracted now i guess. just hoping for winter. maybe i'll go take a nap and half-hope for some deathly cancer to immidiately take hold once my head hits the pillow. or maybe, i'll phone a friend to hang out, but i seriously doubt it, in fact, i'm almost certian i won't. maybe i'll just wish i had something to cover my eyes from the ugliness with this town. maybe i'll watch a movie, but i've seen all of them already, you know? maybe this depression isn't depression but intelligence, and boredom/an inferiority complex gone so severe it's part of me forever. well, that's optimistic, hey! wasn't that nice talking to caleb about drugs last night. i like talking about drugs. i like thinking about them. i just don't always know where to find them and i'm afraid people will judge me, that they won't believe i sincerely just want the experiance. which i think i do. i don't know, there's that wanting to be a movie thing going into play again. i'm not sure what to do right now as i often am. ambien is a strong possibility.

i'll go check my phone only to find out no one has called. and i need more chapstick. oh yay, motivation to get up, well you know whatever.