i'm an insult to the religion i want to preach. i want to believe in beauty but i don't believe in anything. all i believe in is my own self hatred and doubt of every fucking thing. honestly, i'm such a skepticist. any moment of every day i've probably got a thousand thoughts circulating at the surface of my mind upon how all of this is bullshit. how all i want is identity yet i don't.

fuck. honestly. i'm so ambivalent. i really, really am. there's too much.

i want to cry until i just can't anymore.

what do i ever accomplish? nothing. for the past few hours since i got back from the show, i've been doing nothing except sitting here making up reasons to be miserable.

oh, really, i'm like this every day. it won't end, i know it won't, but sooner or later i'll get closer to explaining it all.

is it sad that the only thing that keeps me going is the idea of who i want to be? it's like, that's all that matters anymore. that's all that would work anymore. i just need to create someone i could be happy being. everything else can go from there.