i talked to one of my new online friends, alison, for quite awhile tonight. it was a pleasure, indeed. it's always such a relief to find others like me. a relief and a joy in itself. no one likes to feel alone or misunderstood.

i'm thinking that tomorrow i will start a diet and paint colours into the air with josh if we hang out. and i imagine we'll hold hands and tell secrets because that's what best friends do. i do love him so much, not romantically, at least i don't think so. i don't know. maybe we could try things again...but i just don't know. i know i could have him and i guess that's what's not attracting me.

andrew and caleb on the other hand. oh dear. i like them both a lot and i could never have either of them.

there are good things and good times. i just don't like waiting for/preparing for them.

i'm sleepy. i always look so forward to sleep. i'm happier when i'm asleep. no one to impress, nothing to worry about, free to daydream and just be. curl up and be warm. i wish i could be happy living.