I took some Xanax last night in hopes of a trip, or at least to get some sleep. around... 12am maybe? 1130pm?

but the point is.
I kinda woke up and decided to get onto the computer. and oh god, I feel so...normal. i'm not like, tripping or anything, honestly, I just feel so normal. no worries, not even thinking much, hardly, I feel, yeah, just...like a "normal" girl. I wish I could describe it.

maybe I should tell connell about how my anxiety's gotten worse since I was 10, rather recently, and how whenever my mom's offered me some of her xanax to help me sleep, it's always made me feel ...normal, you know? no worries. none.

ah. sedatives. normality. too bad it's so eaerly and I don't have a car or anyone with me. I'd love to just go downtown, climb onto the/a parking deck (would their doors be locked at such an early hour?) and watch the sunrise. that would be so, so glorious. someday, though, i will. or just take the bus...but how would I explain to mumsy where I went without her totally freaking out? eh, Idunno, so that's another trick for another day.

listen to me. no over analyzations, no depression, I feel so normal. not good, like I'm not happy, maybe not even content, but maybe content, and just, normal. mindset? shut up James. it's not all mindset. it's just chemistry. no philosophy. it's just chemistry.

don't search for anything. create it. like caitlin says, life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself. that's so right. and i think andrew was right too, about putting meaning and passion into stuff is what makes our lives meaningful and shit. like, it's not searching for meaning that's what it's about, it's about creating meaning. yes. yes.

and the farther we get from like, searching, and shit, the closer we are to fine. oh yes.

i feel so...normal. my phone phobias are gone too. like i thought about calling andrew just to tell him that but i'm not very capable of super deep thought. hm.

go back to bed? mehbe. I need drink first. hmm. yes. I hope this dooesn't wear off soon.

i deff need a prescription for this. hopefully it wuldn't start to not work after awhile.