i want a car really, really bad. but i'm not even close to driving age. closer to permit age but eh.

my throat is still sore from where i purged on saturday. i didn't get much up though. and until today, when i've definitely eaten my fair share, what with doughnuts and coffee in the morning, and then lunch and saltines now; i hadn't eaten much of anything. i knew the moment i did, i would want to throw it up. and now that i know i can again, i just might.

i've become quieter. it feels like i rarely talk to anyone anymore. and i can't handle big social situations at all.

i definitely have been in a huge period of depersonalisation for the last forever. right now it's very apparent.

oh and, i don't have very many emotions anymore.

xanax doesn't do shit. i don't think it makes me feel trippy or calmed down or anything. i want something to make me feel or just take everything away.

fuck, i'm falling for him, and it feels like we're getting a bit closer and finding points of mutuality. i don't know if this is good. it makes me feel good for the moment but i can't really believe that i could ever mean something to him. and i can't see this lasting.

i envy so much people who can have normal relationships with others, and who don't live every moment of every day stricken with anxiety and depression and depersonalisation and shit.