i'm really a shit person and it's just now really, really hitting me that i'm not going to change until/unless i instigate that change myself? but it won't matter because nothing matters? i don't know? i want to feel something but i can't and i also don't? i don't really know? but maybe i do but my fears hold me back from expressing it? or maybe my fears or thoughts or something keep me from realising what i want? or that i do but i can't achieve it because i won't get myself out of this cycle? i don't know?

this is one of those moments when people say either "fuck!" or "oh well". "oh well" is what i feel, i think, but "fuck!" is rather more appropriate.

maybe i just need sleep, but i know i'll just wake up and go through this cycle again, every fucking day, because i either can't or won't change. but i have a really bad headache. however, since i've basically dosed up on xanax, however i can't really feel what i was expecting, i don't want to go to sleep because i might not wake up until sometime tomorrow, and there's shit i need to do today, fuck, i just don't know, or maybe i do, but i don't want to, fuck, i should stop typing