i have that feeling again. the one where i'm on the verge and i didn't do what i needed to. the one where my body shakes from too many stimulants and i take downers in hopes of feeling quiet and safe. the one where i keep making everyone upset with me and all i want to do is take it all back. i want to be right but i don't feel happy. i feel excited or is it just a fool's hope? for the future? it seems to be crumbling but i keep dreaming. as long as there's that childish slice of ambition in my head i'll keep breathing.

the trick is to keep breathing.

too ambivalent. my hands are shaking. i keep having too many dreams where things go wrong and then i feel like that during my waking life. or am i in my waking life? i mean technically, as far as i know.

i want to be thin and hopeful and liked. i want to stop feeling so slightly dead. i want a rush of good feelings. i want a love that looks and sounds like a movie. i want to stop losing friends to my mistakes.

i want, i want, i want. and as long as i do this can never stop. things will always be good or bad and i'll never know what's right. i'll never know anything outside of my own head.