ups:
+confidence, feeling honestly on top of my world, like anything and everything i say comes out beautifully and is exactly what the other person wants to hear. completing the moment.
+feeling so awake and aware of everything around me.
+the focus. for instance, i can lose myself so far into Fiona/Andrew/Summer (as seperate and interwoven subjects) memories/daydreams that i feel like i'm in them and that i cry and feel real sadness. i can lose myself in dreams of Fiona's beauty that it makes me cry.
the downs
-the heartbeat. my heart always beats so hard and fast that sometimes it's all i can focus on and feel and it's just so, so obnoxious.
-feeling like i can never catch my breath, no matter how deep you breathe, no matter how you try to focus on your breathing. it comes in quick short bursts and no matter how deep you try to breathe, how much oxygen you try to take in, it is never enough.
-the racing thoughts. after i've focused on beautiful things and had revelations, i quickly plunge into depression. speed heightens my extremes. then racing depressing thoughts are all i can focus on. or useless ones. the ones of "oh, what should i think about now, to bring the beauty, the tears, the hope back?" trying out things, they never work.
-the constant reminder and dread that all of this will be so amplified in the morning, in a few hours when i really come down and daylight streams through the windows.
-when you begin to tire physically, your dare your eyes to remain closed for a few moments, you test out the idea of trying to sleep.
-you test out trying to sleep. you lay in bed, and all you can do is feel your racing heartbeat, racing negative thoughts, eyes snapping open every few seconds at even the smallest sound, or just to "check" for danger-imagined threats, a person standing overhead with a knife waiting to kill you, a sudden apparition.
the "downs" sound like a panic attack, accompanied by an air of depression because one had experianced attacks like those many times before, and knew they would only continue. solace lay only in sleep and sedation, two things out of reach for me because of the all-nighter goal in hopes of reversing my sleep schedule. and knowing that I won't try either long enough for them to work.
it would seem my only truth is in that i have no truth: my ambivalence and over analyzations, a very, very nasty combo. maybe, generally and psychologically speaking, it's my coping method, my way of understanding, my way of getting through the rots of life.
right now I feel down. I feel awake but depressed, like the night's over in that there's not much else I can do to produce tearful revelations. depression has covered my eyes again. or uncovered.
I know this will be even worse when I see Tim tomorrow. it probably will. and I'll be crazy and negative and I'll feel it. am I setting myself up mentally?
atleast I finally felt it. I finally felt the ultimate high of feeling so sad and nostalgic, but so within your memories and they're so beautiful, so beautiful yet so gone and i don't give a damn, crying-because-they're-so-beautiful moments, as described by the quote from American Beauty "sometimes there's just so much beauty in the world it feels like my heart may explode" or something like that. I felt that.
my arm won't stop itching.
