I just want to love and take care of everyone. it makes me feel less empty, too.

like tonight.
I did what I thought I had to do to make Jessie feel better (talked to her a bit, then put her to bed)

and then, for Laura, I could tell her current hurts ran deeper. so I cranked out the xanax and everclear for her. she took a straight shot and a half with vanilla soy milk for chaser and we talked until she was about ready to pass out. I think things are as okay as they can be. I honestly love them both so much, maybe Laura more, because...I don't know why. Things with Jessie are more calm, but less electric, when there's no negativity in the air. I don't know.

point being. I made Laura feel better for awhile and i hope she's asleep already and maybe dreaming a wonderful dream with Sam or whatnot. so wonderful and so real-seeming. and I hope it's one of those dreams that seems to drag on and on, one of those long ones. I feel lke maybe if I keep staying up, and I see her sleeping over there, I can make her dream continue on longer. which is ridiculous. because when she wakes up it'll still seem as though the night flew by (since she was asleep). but not as much for me, since I'm still awake. everything is perception.

but I just want to baby her and make her happy. I do love her, just not romantically.

it makes me want a girlfriend. I'd love her so hard and so much and I'd always take care of her before anything else. with a boyfriend I'd be afraid of it being too much. but for a woman, with another woman, the line of "too much" is a hard one to cross.

then again I wouldn't know. I haven't been in a real relationship with a girl.

but the closest thing I ever had was Fiona. and I know...things always felt so magical but still mutual.

whatever. I'm fine right now, yeah I am, I really am, I miss Wayne and I'm confused about that and I kind of wish Hannah had called me instead...but maybe she'll call me tomorrow. I don't know. too many plans. I just really need to talk to her about Wayne and figure out what to do.

I dont know.
I swear I'm fine right now I just sort of wish I could go to sleep.

and I wish I could figure out what I want to do tomorrow. hang around with Jessie for awhile and call Hannah? yeah. then I could come home, and invite Kylan over to -my- place or something.

so I could get me some Kylan and Hannah.

but sunday. I dont know about sunday. I kind of want to accompany Jessie with TJ (and maybe Jackie/Steven or whatnot) but I promised Caity.
deff Caity. I need her. shared cigarettes and xanax and conversation and mutuality and us.

yeah. I know what to do now.

It really is a bad day for breathing, as Rilo Kiley says.