according to coach wilkins and everyone else I'm just a big failure. but oh, I have all of this POTENTIAL, if I'd only just TRY, I could be one of the TOP in my class, if not THE top. I honestly wonder, is he just telling me that to flatter me? I've gotten that from other teachers too. I just don't know who to believe anymore. I hate myself so, so much. I really am just a big failure.

But if I tried to explain to them about self destruction and the viscious cycle of consumerism and about how sometimes I don't feel like I'm really in my own skin and about how I connect more with ideas than feelings... they'll all just look at me like some crazy pseudo-intellectual punk idealistic kid. Which, I guess, I am, as far as labels go.

I don't know. Just fuckl it. Honestly, they can't understand... I KNOW I'm going to fail at anything I do and I don't want to waste my time trying at all of these pointless efforts that will get me nowhere. Why won't they believe me? Why won't they believe my self hate? Oh, if only you'd just TRY...everything would be so much better.

well maybe it's not that fucking suimple.

I hate you because you make me doubt myself even more. I was so sure once in my self hating liifestyle but once again I have no earthyl fucking idea what to bneoleive. I still stand by my belief that nothing can be believed. reality is just layers upon layers of illusion.

fuck.