so i've taken two klonopin within the last hour or so. it's supposedly like xanax (another benzodiazepine) but, different somehow? apparently my doctor and mom don't want me on xanax around the clock or even occasionally because they're afraid of me getting "addicted".
what they say that means: "blah blah general doctor shit, your body will become addicted to it and when you don't have it you'll go through bad bad bad withdrawal and we don't want you to have to experiance that".
what that may really mean: "we don't want you to like the feeling so much and start stacking your dose and turn into a damned benzo addict."
the scary truth in both situations:
I think I HAVE had benzo withdrawal. I don't generally have bodily twitches, but when I wasn't taking my 10mg or so xanax most nights to trip, I'd get these insanely annoying twitches all day and night and such. And I think it may have added to my heart palpitations. And I do like benzos, or xanax atleast, very much. not as much as I'd like some goddamned alcohol or vicodin or crushed Ritalin or something. I really want to try Ritalin. I want to do some more real stimulants besides Adderall. I wasn't too very satisfied with it, if I recall. But god, do I love my booze and prescription downers, and sleeping pills. AMBIEN. Oh my god. Yes. Anyway.
I have decided, once again, that everything that holds me back from being myself and being happy lead back to my weight, other apperance issues, and things I've been wanting to do but haven't done (re-doing my room, buying all of those clothes and other collectibles and shit). Long story short and metaphorically: All of those lists I never really completed are where my stressors come from. Oh, and I need to get my permit soon. I'll hate myself by this time next year if I have to wait even longer to get a goddamned car. ahhhh...Kirsten with a car. fuck yes. And if I'm happy with myself by then? heaven. just heaven. simply. yes.
well I'm going to go back to reading and shit and later I think I'll go to bed. tomorrow I'll get to school really early and actually work on my missed work, and I'll take a good shower tomorrow morning (wake up early) and stuff.
I wonder how other people live their lives. I want to know their schedules. Hm. I also really miss my copy of Garden State. okay. yes. anyway. farewell.
