I feel like I've just stopped. Like I'm paralyzed by fear, only the threat isn't a literal man with a knife at my throat, it's just a metaphorical one. Either way, I'm scared shitless, and I don't know which way to go or what to do. I have some ideas, but I don't want to put them to the test. Because this isn't a test, it's life or death.

If after this year, no one believes I'm borderline, or that I have problems, I don't know what the fuck I have to do. I haven't eaten much in awhile, so at this rate, I'll be super-skinny-super-yet self hatey-paranoid-always on guard-chick I've always wanted yet not wanted to be. And after this semester, I realise, it won't be over. Journalism will still haunt me, for awhile, until something new comes along and everyone's forgotten about it. I'll still worry over what they thought of me, and I won't be truly free until They graduate.

I want to die. But I'm scared even to do that. It's so fucking stupid that I'm afraid of what everyone would think of me even after I'm dead. I don't ever want to have kids. I don't want anyone to ever have to be put through the misery of living like I am ever again. I honestly just wish some nuclear explosion would happen and we'd all die, right now. Everything would cease to exist, to reproduce, to morph, and there'd never be any of it ever agan.

I'm trapped.
I have no choice.

I'm no different. But maybe I can change the world not by being different, not by being an individual, but by being one of many. A growing group of those who feel trapped in their own skin, self destructing, wishing every day for a fix but knowing there isn't one. This is a new thought. New thoughts are good. Tikkum olam, right? No one person changes the world, not truly. Sure, I guess the ideas can start with one person, or any small amount (because really, once again, the Napkin Theory of mine...everything just gets smaller and smaller approaching an infinite number of pieces, and truth doesn't really exist), but everyone else needs to catch on, too, or there isn't any change. We all need to work together. Maybe, I can help a future generation really learn that everything is uncertian, except a few things. Maybe this is your only chance, maybe it's not, but you should take it all the same. Just be happy, because one way or the other, whether it matters or not, whether you'll be Ultimately Judged or not, you are here. It's a sad world, and time goes by quicker (leading up to death) when you're happy and self confident. It trickles and drips by, every moment spent wallowing in worry and self pity.

I, along with others, need to convince everyone of this. It's not brainwashing if it's good, right? If it makes people happy? If it makes me happy? What does it fucking matter how it's done, just as long as it is done? Judging is just for the miserable to pick out others' flaws to ignore their own, or because they see changes to be made. But, what if we just finally could actually start making progress?

I'm a bit stuck here, and I feel like I'm just attacking authority like a "little punk kid". However, I'd like to believe that I'll be percieved better. Then again...shit, in the ideal world I speak of, there won't BE judging like that. No ultimate authority, no ultimate superiority. If it's possible. You can just be and let be.