for the first time in a long time, i...actually feel like myself.

i'm eating special k with vanilla soymilk, listening to death cab, and wearing:

the pink minidress
my little pony tshirt underneath
black tights
an assortment of rings and bracelets and necklaces
that lace headband i got at the renaissance faire so many years ago
and the lipstick my mom gave me for easter

anxiety is beginning to build up a bit about the absences that may not be appealed. but not so much. i thought about writing strange things on post-it notes and leaving them places. i still might. i hope andrew is here today and that's sort of silly. but i do. and i don't think i'll feel right until i see him again.

i sent a message to tara last night and my neurosis shone through. "I've been needing smiles lately" I said. "what's been getting you down?" she wrote back. mI don't know how to answer that. i was hoping that she might just send me more, but instead, she was curious.

i look like a little kid today. and, i don't have to grow up. my proof is, that, your objective in life is to be happy right? this makes me happy. this is me written all over.

still though. i hate how, to get anywhere in life, you have to do well in school.

once i clear my head enough to let the words just flow, i think i'll get out an old notebook i never used and start writing moviescripts and ideas.

someday, maybe even, when i'm famous (or famous enough) i'll write to francesca lia block and ask permission to transfer some of her books to film. i can see myself doing good adaptations. i could see sophia coppola doing them, as well.

i want to be a pop culture icon of faeries and glitter and grunge. of neurosis woven into intelligence, and back again. ambivalence and decadence. mostly though, i just want to believe in something. i want to be able to be so passionate about something that i cry while i'm doing it and think of nothing else.

i can never see myself doing anything else than film. and i can't really make anyone else understand that.

i can't wait until i drive! i hope i have a huge cd collection by then. i'll always be playing the raddest tapes/records. i call cds records a lot.

i like chipped nail polish and ripped tights/stockings with runs and lipstick smudges.

this is more a collection of thoughts than anything else.

i also like glam rock a lot. i haven't heard much of it, mostly i just like the idea. if ever i had a band it'd be a glam rock band. but i can't see myself doing that. only film.

live fast-die pretty!