finished my chemistry test early so i'm wasting time in the library. yeah, whatever. i'm not in the best mood today, probably because my hair looks like hell, but whatever, i'll fix it during lunch or something, and because i was supposed to hang out with hannah today but she basically canceled. goddamnit.

but something that did make my day is how mr bullock only counted me tardy when technically, i was absent today because i missed more than 15 mins of class.

i'm having an insecurity attack and i feel very small and ugly. i dont know, this happens often, honestly i barely even notice anymore.

my mom is a bitch. we had another almost fight yesterday because i don't have future college plans and i'm fucking up so bad in school. she's too dumb for me to explain to her the whole school is meaningless thing, how i don't give a shit about college because it's just preparing me to become another government drone to aid the "welfare of society", aka the viscious cycle of consumerism. that, if she wants me to be happy and sucessful so bad, she needs to redefine success. success is a personal thing. you need to break away from all of society's ideals that define success: good grades, lots of money, a spouse, children, nice house, etc etc. and happiness doesn't come with those ideals of success. i mean, for instance, i know many people who really aren't the spitting image of perfection financially and shit, and they're some of the happiest, or at least they're the smartest. and i'm sure everyone knows those who did the whole suck up and participate in highschool, get into a good college, get your nice office job and get married and pop out a couple of juniours path who are completely miserable. fucking hell, having children is honestly so pointless. it's all pointless. but you've heard all of this before, yet, you'll probably never get it.

oh god, it's such a fucked up world. there's just so many lies and generalisations and shit. like, i had a moment of enlightenment when reading jackie's zine yesterday. i mean, honestly, having a nice appearance won't make us happy. anyone who says they're losing weight or something like that solely for themselves is a goddamned liar. because, right when they get a compliment from someone they admire or have a crush on or are trying to impress that they look skinnier, it'll make their day. and, once you reach your ideal appearance, do you realise that you're going to be more miserable? because, everyone's going to think of you like an object. or, they'll have lots of fucked up ideas about you and shit. and it'll be harder to determine who's really talking to you because they like you as a person, or because you'd look good pinned up against a wall, to quote jackie. or, just because you're pretty, and have an original clothing style, everyone will start trying to be you. to own you. to market your personal youness as the latest trend and shit.

so, really, if in the end, you still think you're just doing this to be able to look into the mirror and like what you see, fine, but you're still only liking it for the wrong reasons.

i dont know, i can never truly vocalise my points anymore, god damnit. i've had a lot of points of almost enlightenment the last week or so, but as soon as i get distracted by my depression or school or crushes or some shit i forget them. which sucks, because if i would apply them, i wouldn't be worrying about those other problems.

i don't know, sometimes i think people who're happy are full of shit. they're feeling better for all of the wrong reasons. honestly, it's true, if you're not going to bed every night just hoping you won't wake up in the morning, or if you're not outraged at nearly every single person on this earth, you're not paying attention.

fuck, i've still got around 12 more minutes at the very least until i need to drag myself back to class. i could spit out another rant, i guess.

alright, this goes along with messed up ideals and how much i hate school and shit, but whatever. nerds really piss me off. you know the ones, always sucking up to teachers, 4.0 average, looking at colleges when they're 10 fucking years old, all of the extracurriculars, bragging about their booksmarts, etc etc. they're so fucking stupid, like really. they're doing all of that because they think that getting into fucking yale, becoming the next einstein or something, and making 1093098234098+ dollars will make them happy or mean something. it's not going to, honestly. because eventually, we're all going to die, and who's going to care if you did all of that or not when there's no one to remember you? okay, so you make a name for history, whatever. now what? are you still happy? or are you realising that all of your efforts were pointless, because the world isn't going to change? because you're only contributing to consumerism and furthering everyone's stupidity?

maybe i just have a huge superiority complex, but i feel like one of the only people in the world, literally, who sees so far beneath the surface of everything.

oh, goody, ten more minutes until the bell for second period rings, and i wander around aimlessly until it's time to run for class before the tardy bell like i always do.

oh, whatever, i'm going to stop this

that's kind of it, i guess, for the things that hold significance. how sad.