in my mightmares now, she is so close, but still out of reach, just like real life. only the distance feels more real.

why must my subconcious torture me so? it's not like i need any dream interpretations to figure this situation out.

and the idea of dealing with this, of truly dealing, confronting her, solving it, or figuring out if there's anything to solve, scares me more than anything. also, the idea of feeling the full extent ot this pain, without drugs and distractions, too, is scary. no matter how much i may hate myself or think i deserve it.

i could die this time, i tell myself. i could gather up my courage and really leave. i've wanted to for so long. i'd at least have a simplified reason.