my counselor won't move me into first lunch. so, instead, i'm stuck trying to resist the urge to re-strike a match that's been dipped in water. no, not just dipped. drowned. thoroughly.

i wonder why people the people that have liked me did. and, i look at who they were. most of the people who ever seemed to admire me were broken. they were lost and wanted to be found. they just wanted to hear that they had a name, or else, they wanted some fresh new ideas to make a new one.

i'm like a refuge for lost souls. but i'm so sick of broken people.

but i'm probably going wandering tomorrow and i'm getting adderall. and, soon enough, i'll ask connell for a script of xanax. low dose. not enough to knock me out, just enough to numb the fear. until then, i have dramamine, but i haven't taken it since i was 10. i need to learn again how it affects me.

i really am so self destructive it's ridiculous. most everything i do, is some form of keeping myself feeling like shit all of the time. i wonder why he hates himself so. even if he hadn't told me a couple of times i might have been able to tell.

i wonder if when i'm not being openly insecure, that mine shines through. i suppose. i don't really know.

i don't know how i feel about all of this. and i wonder if he only said that the wispy clouds were his favourite to be different than me. i also wonder if the only reason he doesn't like me is because i'm not very confident. i'm not impulsive. i'm not as pretty or thin as the other girls.

i still want to get inside of his head.