morphine thoughts at 2am for thursday
2009-08-27 at 2:04 a.m.

so i'm on a buttload of morphine right now, try 300mgs. i snorted 100, and then, feeling frustrated; popped the other 200. for some reason i don't feel very euphoric at all. i feel...numb. comfortably numb i guess. but i'd rather be elated, i'd rather be somewhere else mentally, you know?

god i hate this depression thing. i wish i knew why these past few months my voice has grown small, quiet, soft-spoken, sometimes hard to understand (so i think). i wish i knew why all i want to do is sleep. i wish i knew why i no longer have any hope for anything. i wish i knew why i have stopped having random good moods and bursts of excitement. i wish i knew why i stopped sharing things about myself, how i can barely keep up with a conversation, how what escapes my lips is often strange and irrelavant and does not do anything to move the conversation alone educated-like.

i wish i knew what i did to lose myself, to become "chilled out in a bad way." i'm pretty sure it's the zyprexa i've been taking mostly every night all summer. i'm off of it now, cause i've got a new medicine for sleep...however it's seroquel, another antipsych. which fucking sucks, because i'm pretty sure it's probably going to do the same thing that zyprexa does to my depression. i don't know yet, though. maybe it won't. and maybe once i get the zyprexa out of my system and find some things to be glad for, i will return to what i call normal. god i really hope so, more than anything.

i miss the good old days, where ambien and xanax and restoril and shit would put me to sleep, and i could also get high off of them in LOW doses, NORMAL doses. i really wish i could find the power within me to stop for 6 months to lower my tolerance. i know that's what i need to do, but i just can't bring myself to do it. i live for those few days each month where i get to pop my favourite pills and feel like myself again. seriously.

god i need and want to talk to danny so badly. i wish i knew why he seems to be avoiding me. i really do. i don't think i've done anything wrong, but still, it just doesn't make sense. i wonder what his excuse will be.

well i think it's time i went to sleep, i have to be at school in a very short time.

off to daydream myself into sleep.

before -- after