time for a new entry. sorry i have neglected you, my beautiful diaryland! i will try and start updating you regularly and often again.

so. yes. tonight. another night getting high (well, blasted, really) on focalin. had a really odd down period earlier, can't really explain it, just an odd air of depression and forboding. but maddie changed everything. i was happiest when we were on the phone, talking about anything and everything, changing subjects faster than my outlook on life (and that's faster than lightspeed, mark that nasa). i think we're planning to have a campout. should be absolutely wonderful. i should bring her to the kenney ridge parties. maybe they'd all really get along. i don't know. i'd like that.

how i think is rather...well, i don't know, honestly maybe other people do it or maybe i am really disordered. but i realised: i'm just like a little kid. i turn all the lights on when i'm scared (often) and usually go into my mom's room. i always daydream. i'm never realistic. actually unfortunately i'm forgetting my other rationalisations as to why i'm like a little kid. but i know they made sense. i just feel a little...weary. but with a possible chance for something bright.

i just always go through stages. many of them. god i want to be able to understand and explain how i think so badly. also, it would be good because maybe if other people understood it would help them in some way too. help them connect with me or others. i want the sun to rise so badly, but it'll be atleast another two hours. i know i can make it, i just don't know what i'll do.

god, haha, earlier this evening, whacked out on speed, i started two short story like things. more like, they were like those weird long paragraphs i write HOPING to actually finish a whole goddamned story but never do. full of metaphors describing something simple, attempts at sounding brilliant. brilliant and sad and simple to understand. the first one was about andrew, i was trying to capture in words how he seems like everything to me. not that he's MY everything, but, that...as a person, he's a good bit of everything. i can't really classify him. and everything he does ...(try and follow me here), that i see, i connect it in my head to so much more and make it out to be so much more. a simple conversation about the nature of sorrow turned into a whole epic description of life itself and..of...just...EVERYTHING, when coming out of his mouth. yeah i know, maybe i over analyze him, it IS my nature...but he always says stuff that makes me goddamned sure he more than knows what he's talking about. it feels like i get a glimpse into his mind, and it's this...telescope of speculation, right? it's like mine.

i fucking hate mood swings.

anyway, i'm tired of recounting my night. time for some fiction verses.

she began to climb, ever so softly, into the neck of her prescription bottle. the bottom felt so close, but looked so far away. one foot at a time, the slow descent, she made sure. when she had advanced merely four lengths, she suddenly craned her head up anxiously. the obvious question occured, and lept from her lips like spilt tea. as though she really may not have considered the answer at all. "if i reach the bottom, can i find my way back out?" the answer found her at once, she knew it. the answer knew her as well as she to it. the answer gently placed her hand on the scared young girl's white cheek. "no," she answered calmly, and smiled. the answer took the girl's hand. "you have more choices in the next world, i promise. and those rainy days don't posess feelings of forboding as they do here." the answer reassured her, exhaling the faint scent of spring flowers. "you're her, aren't you. the goddess." a light smile found its way to the girl's face. "i am. and there's nothing to be afraid of." the goddess tightened her grip on the girl's hand, and suddenly there were stars all around. they transcended upon a veil of stars led by two constellations shaped like winged horses. then, a blooming meadow came into view. they were almost there. 'that wasn't so hard,' the girl thought. hand in hand, the two completed the journey to summerland.

okay, not sure where that came from. it's rough, sure, but a cute little view of a girl comitting suicide and the goddess taking her to summerland, the wiccan's afterlife.