I really can't do this anymore. And, in all honesty, either things really will go another way, or I'm just installing far too much false hope: because I have an overwhelming sense of finality today. I really can't do it anymore, though. I can't be here. I can't come here every single day and be mindraped and come home wanting to die. I'm going to die, or just all and out fail at any chance to experiance happiness if I keep going to school. I really hope Mom and Timmy say yes to the online school. I don't know what I'll do if they don't. Accept it? How the fuck do I do that when I know it's all so very, very wrong?

For a brief while before I went to sleep last night, and this morning when I woke up early to print out my articles, I had the same overwhelming sense of finality. I could see myself in this other life, being homeschooled, waking up whenever I please, nonchalantly doing my studies, taking breaks whenever, without the overbearing sense of oppression and fear and wrongness I feel in school. Partying and hanging out with friends on the weekends, during their breaks. Working my ass off whenever possible so that I can finish my studies early and do breaks at the same time that my peers do. Having a chance to really find myself away from this public school bullshit. I can see myself finally getting my permit when I have the chance to study on my own away from the stress and structure of school life. And, in a year, driving around of my own accord, doing my studies in Borders surrounded by books (oh, books, glorious books!), a coffee (endless refills), good music on my ipod. Taking breaks to drive around and smoke.

This is my chance to become self sufficient. I can't if I've got some overbearing someone telling me what is right and what's wrong. I've got to be able to define it myself, atleast to some extent. And, it will be somewhat like what Sarah Lawrence is like, if I still want to go there someday. I can help myself to become independant. I think this is the answer I've been looking for all this time. Homeschooling. Online schooling. Independance. I worry that maybe I'm not self motivated enough, but, then again, maybe I am.

If it doesn't work, I can always re-enroll into Cedar, right?

I believe it will. I truly believe it will.

I can't wait to get home this afternoon and have The Talk with them. I really can't wait. I need time to myself. I need it. I need this.

Now, what's my arguement? Better education? Less stress? Preperation for the type of college I want to apply to? A chance to somewhat truly make my way onto being self sufficient and maturing into doing things by myself, for myself?

"I promise, I'll do the work. I promise. If I can stand it, I'll even do it somewhat like a regular schoolday (or for the same amt. of hours on a weekday) so that I can get the same times off with my friends. I could get back on track from the courses I've failed in the past. Please, please, please. If it really doesn't work out, I can always enroll back into Cedar. Just for one year. One try. PLEASE."