I'm so scared about Journalism and shit lately. And I don't want to be mad at Tim, because, actually, I sort of like him a lot. But I'm scared of him, in ways, so it comes out as anger.

It's weird. I have all of these ambivalent existentialist problems tugging at me. Do I give up myself, and the things I love, in favour of general acceptance, and financial security? Or do I go right back to being the self destructive wreck I used to be, who just basically sat and observed and dreamed?

I'm not happier anymore now than I was then. I'm more afraid, now, perhaps. I'm realising more things. And they're scary.

I just can't have balance, can I? I can't be the goody-goody, follow all the rules, productive Kirsten, and the have fun, don't care about much of anything, philosophical, wreck, lyrical, metaphorical, fucked up Kirsten at the same time. I know who I prefer, and I know which one is "better" for me to be.