fuck! i feel so great right now and enlightened! I'm so glad Laura made me read Smack, it's literally changing my life already. I'm just trying to let things happen and not think about them. there's no how, there is only do, that sort of thing. and I've basically been rather out of it all day with xanax and I just took an ambien and who the fuck knows I might take more later! fuck I feel so great! I'm not even feeling! and Andrew took off with my flannel, I'll be so excited to get it back, because it means I'll have an excuse to interract with him, and he's wearing it. oh. my. god. yes. I'm just trying not to worry about stuff. and shit. Maybe? like, there's so much shit I could have worried about tonight, like how Jackie and I aren't close at all anymore, or my worries about Andrew or what the fuck ever, but, just, I don't know, nothing gets to me, oh god I love being high, I need some real junk thhough, oh god, I had this great daydream of doing heroin with Andrew and it sounded great. and someday it'll happen. I'm not just going to daydream anymore. shit is going to happen. and I'm going to be amazing and famous and I won't feel so second rate next to certian people anymore! I might even put aside my fears and call him like Saturday maybe? and ask him if I can come over so we can have deep converation and shit or something. and end up...nah...shhh. this would be really creepy if he read it but whatever, it's really time I just told him or something, or made my own coin operated boy out of nuts and bolts and dead colts or something. fuck, I don't want to be adored because I"m like her, she's so....fake. and overdone? it's like, idunno, i'm sick of her. i want to be adored because I'm ME and I'm AMAZING. fuck, I want to fly higher than this, like I said, I want some junk, maybe I"ll ask Michael tomorrow if he can score for me. or Corey, we haen't talked in awhile. i'm sick of trying to read people, like seriously, if they're nice to me at the moment, who the fuck cares about what they're trying to conceal that they may think about me? oh my god, this shortcake is amazing, I might just have some more. yes, because I'm me, I'm amazing, yeah, mhmm. I really fucking love veggie burgers. I can't wait until I get to sleep and feel like I've gotten all of my thoughts out. well, they all basically revolve around how much I like Andrew, how I'm going to try to honestly live in the moment and not give a shit about what other people think of me, oh and, I really had a lot of fun tonight, theatre a la mode was AMAZING. so were the free deserts...haha fatty. anyway. i like things with fruit in nature, I really do, like key lime pie esquey shit, and strawberry shortcake, and mentos, oh god, yes, who the fuck will read this anyway? do I even care? being so nonchalant is almost scary but it's so...blissful. perhaps. ah, fuck this, I"ve got good things to look forward to I know it, but all I can say is, if he's going to six flags tomorrow, and if he's going to eat beforehand and end up puking, it better not be on my fucking flannel, hah. anyway, good day, I'm off to trip even more off of pharmecuticals, thank god, I feel so fucking normal, maybe Xanax really is all I need, to keep my anxiety in check, I'll have to ask for a prescription of it and confess and shit.

whatevev.
now, more food, drink, masturbation(okay not really, I guess? hahahahA TMI), and tomorrow! might be boring but I'll make it interesting god I want to have sex with someone. cold, hot, hard, living, straight adrenaline rushes, and not give a shit about the meaning or lack thereof of it all or who's thinking about me at the moment. i want to be the moment. iam. i am. I'M ALIVE.

night