right now I think that I could lose Laura and it might not mean a thing to me. sometimes I worry she was never there to begin with. even after all this time, she's still one of those people I don't get at all and I'm afraid of them. maybe it's just recent events. yes I'm sure it is.

no one fights very hard to keep me in their life. no one who truly matters that is. i think i keep the wrong people close to me. but I like the stories we create and how you make me hate myself. and then, when I do something right, it just feels that much better. no one fights very hard anymore to keep ANYONE in their lives. we just give up and keep torturing ourselves. better in than out. lock yourself in your room and hope you disappear. but the memories won't fade. you can't remember but you can't forget. lest we start this cycle all over again. i lay on the roof beside you early in the morning and listen to you breathe. soon it won't be enough just to sleep beside you. i'll start wishing I was what you slept to. i'm never content for very long and then I just start missing you all over again. what never was and never will be. I hope I've made progress and maybe I am, it's too slow to tell. I hope that soon I can look back upon this time, this feeling, and it will be unfamiliar to me. I hope I can look back on this and think to myself, I've made such progress.

then it's just going to hurt that much more when I lose you. I always do. I always lose them, one way or another.